MuddyMaggs

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Rory Gilmore Reading Challenge.

Every book mentioned by Rory in the series Gilmore Girls. And go.

If its green, its been read

1984 by George Orwell
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay by Michael Chabon
An American Tragedy by Theodore Dreiser
Angela’s Ashes by Frank McCourt
Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy
Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank
Archidamian War by Donald Kagan
The Art of Fiction by Henry James
The Art of War by Sun Tzu
As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner
Atonement by Ian McEwan
Autobiography of a Face by Lucy Grealy
The Awakening by Kate Chopin
Babe by Dick King-Smith
Backlash: The Undeclared War Against American Women by Susan Faludi
Balzac and the Little Chinese Seamstress by Dai Sijie
Bel Canto by Ann Patchett
The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
Beloved by Toni Morrison
Beowulf: A New Verse Translation by Seamus Heaney
The Bhagava Gita
The Bielski Brothers: The True Story of Three Men Who Defied the Nazis, Built a Village in the Forest, and Saved 1,200 Jews by Peter Duffy
Bitch in Praise of Difficult Women by Elizabeth Wurtzel
A Bolt from the Blue and Other Essays by Mary McCarthy
Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
Brick Lane by Monica Ali
Bridgadoon by Alan Jay Lerner
Candide by Voltaire – read – June 2010
The Canterbury Tales by Chaucer
Carrie by Stephen King
Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger – read
Charlotte’s Web by E. B. White
The Children’s Hour by Lillian Hellman
Christine by Stephen King
A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens
A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
The Code of the Woosters by P.G. Wodehouse
The Collected Short Stories by Eudora Welty
The Collected Stories of Eudora Welty by Eudora Welty
A Comedy of Errors by William Shakespeare
Complete Novels by Dawn Powell
The Complete Poems by Anne Sexton
Complete Stories by Dorothy Parker
A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole
The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas père
Cousin Bette by Honor’e de Balzac
Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky
The Crimson Petal and the White by Michel Faber
The Crucible by Arthur Miller
Cujo by Stephen King
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon 
Daisy Miller by Henry James
Daughter of Fortune by Isabel Allende
David and Lisa by Dr Theodore Issac Rubin M.D
David Copperfield by Charles Dickens
The Da Vinci -Code by Dan Brown
Dead Souls by Nikolai Gogol
Demons by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller
Deenie by Judy Blume
The Devil in the White City: Murder, Magic, and Madness at the Fair that Changed America by Erik Larson
The Dirt: Confessions of the World’s Most Notorious Rock Band by Tommy Lee, Vince Neil, Mick Mars and Nikki Sixx
The Divine Comedy by Dante
The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood by Rebecca Wells
Don Quijote by Cervantes
Driving Miss Daisy by Alfred Uhrv
Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson
Edgar Allan Poe: Complete Tales & Poems by Edgar Allan Poe
Eleanor Roosevelt by Blanche Wiesen Cook
The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test by Tom Wolfe
Ella Minnow Pea: A Novel in Letters by Mark Dunn
Eloise by Kay Thompson
Emily the Strange by Roger Reger
Emma by Jane Austen
Empire Falls by Richard Russo
Encyclopedia Brown: Boy Detective by Donald J. Sobol
Ethan Frome by Edith Wharton
Ethics by Spinoza
Europe through the Back Door, 2003 by Rick Steves
Eva Luna by Isabel Allende
Everything Is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer
Extravagance by Gary Krist
Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury 
Fahrenheit 9/11 by Michael Moore
The Fall of the Athenian Empire by Donald Kagan
Fat Land: How Americans Became the Fattest People in the World by Greg Critser
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson
The Fellowship of the Ring: Book 1 of The Lord of the Ring by J. R. R. Tolkien
Fiddler on the Roof by Joseph Stein
The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom 
Finnegan’s Wake by James Joyce
Fletch by Gregory McDonald
Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes
The Fortress of Solitude by Jonathan Lethem
The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand
Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
Franny and Zooey by J. D. Salinger
Freaky Friday by Mary Rodgers
Galapagos by Kurt Vonnegut
Gender Trouble by Judith Butler
George W. Bushism: The Slate Book of the Accidental Wit and Wisdom of our 43rd President by Jacob Weisberg
Gidget by Fredrick Kohner
Girl, Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen
The Gnostic Gospels by Elaine Pagels
The Godfather: Book 1 by Mario Puzo
The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy
Goldilocks and the Three Bears by Alvin Granowsky
Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell
The Good Soldier by Ford Maddox Ford
The Gospel According to Judy Bloom
The Graduate by Charles Webb
The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
Great Expectations by Charles Dickens
The Group by Mary McCarthy
Hamlet by William Shakespeare
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J. K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by J. K. Rowling 
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers
Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad
Helter Skelter: The True Story of the Manson Murders by Vincent Bugliosi and Curt Gentry
Henry IV, part I by William Shakespeare
Henry IV, part II by William Shakespeare
Henry V by William Shakespeare
High Fidelity by Nick Hornby
The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire by Edward Gibbon
Holidays on Ice: Stories by David Sedaris
The Holy Barbarians by Lawrence Lipton
House of Sand and Fog by Andre Dubus III (Lpr)
The House of the Spirits by Isabel Allende
How to Breathe Underwater by Julie Orringer
How the Grinch Stole Christmas by Dr. Seuss
How the Light Gets in by M. J. Hyland
Howl by Allen Gingsburg
The Hunchback of Notre Dame by Victor Hugo
The Iliad by Homer
I’m with the Band by Pamela des Barres
In Cold Blood by Truman Capote
Inherit the Wind by Jerome Lawrence and Robert E. Lee
Iron Weed by William J. Kennedy
It Takes a Village by Hillary Clinton
Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë
The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan
Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare
The Jumping Frog by Mark Twain
The Jungle by Upton Sinclair
Just a Couple of Days by Tony Vigorito
The Kitchen Boy: A Novel of the Last Tsar by Robert Alexander
The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini 
Lady Chatterleys’ Lover by D. H. Lawrence
The Last Empire: Essays 1992-2000 by Gore Vidal
Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman
The Legend of Bagger Vance by Steven Pressfield
Less Than Zero by Bret Easton Ellis
Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke
Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them by Al Franken
Life of Pi by Yann Martel
The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis
Little Dorrit by Charles Dickens
The Little Locksmith by Katharine Butler Hathaway
The Little Match Girl by Hans Christian Andersen
Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
Living History by Hillary Rodham Clinton
Lord of the Flies by William Golding
The Lottery: And Other Stories by Shirley Jackson
The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold
The Love Story by Erich Segal
Macbeth by William Shakespeare 
Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert
The Manticore by Robertson Davies
Marathon Man by William Goldman
The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov
Memoirs of a Dutiful Daughter by Simone de Beauvoir
Memoirs of General W. T. Sherman by William Tecumseh Sherman
Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris
The Meaning of Consuelo by Judith Ortiz Cofer
Mencken’s Chrestomathy by H. R. Mencken
The Merry Wives of Windsro by William Shakespeare
The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka
Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides
The Miracle Worker by William Gibson
Moby Dick by Herman Melville
The Mojo Collection: The Ultimate Music Companion by Jim Irvin
Moliere: A Biography by Hobart Chatfield Taylor
A Monetary History of the United States by Milton Friedman
Monsieur Proust by Celeste Albaret
A Month Of Sundays: Searching For The Spirit And My Sister by Julie Mars
A Moveable Feast by Ernest Hemingway
Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf
Mutiny on the Bounty by Charles Nordhoff and James Norman Hall
My Lai 4: A Report on the Massacre and It’s Aftermath by Seymour M. Hersh
My Life as Author and Editor by H. R. Mencken
My Life in Orange: Growing Up with the Guru by Tim Guest
My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult 
The Naked and the Dead by Norman Mailer
The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco
The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri
The Nanny Diaries by Emma McLaughlin
Nervous System: Or, Losing My Mind in Literature by Jan Lars Jensen
New Poems of Emily Dickinson by Emily Dickinson
The New Way Things Work by David Macaulay
Nickel and Dimed by Barbara Ehrenreich
Night by Elie Wiesel
Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen – read
The Norton Anthology of Theory and Criticism by William E. Cain, Laurie A. Finke, Barbara E. Johnson, John P. McGowan
Novels 1930-1942: Dance Night/Come Back to Sorrento, Turn, Magic Wheel/Angels on Toast/A Time to be Born by Dawn Powell
Notes of a Dirty Old Man by Charles Bukowski
Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
Old School by Tobias Wolff
Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens
On the Road by Jack Kerouac
One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovitch by Alexander Solzhenitsyn
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kesey
One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
The Opposite of Fate: Memories of a Writing Life by Amy Tan
Oracle Night by Paul Auster
Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood
Othello by Shakespeare
Our Mutual Friend by Charles Dickens
The Outbreak of the Peloponnesian War by Donald Kagan
Out of Africa by Isac Dineson
The Outsiders by S. E. Hinton
A Passage to India by E.M. Forster
The Peace of Nicias and the Sicilian Expedition by Donald Kagan
The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
Peyton Place by Grace Metalious
The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
Pigs at the Trough by Arianna Huffington
Pinocchio by Carlo Collodi
Please Kill Me: The Uncensored Oral History of Punk Legs McNeil and Gillian McCain
The Polysyllabic Spree by Nick Hornby – read
The Portable Dorothy Parker by Dorothy Parker
The Portable Nietzche by Fredrich Nietzche
The Price of Loyalty: George W. Bush, the White House, and the Education of Paul O’Neill by Ron Suskind
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen – read
Property by Valerie Martin
Pushkin: A Biography by T. J. Binyon
Pygmalion by George Bernard Shaw
Quattrocento by James Mckean
A Quiet Storm by Rachel Howzell Hall
Rapunzel by Grimm Brothers
The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe
The Razor’s Edge by W. Somerset Maugham
Reading Lolita in Tehran: A Memoir in Books by Azar Nafisi
Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier
Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm by Kate Douglas Wiggin
The Red Tent by Anita Diamant
Rescuing Patty Hearst: Memories From a Decade Gone Mad by Virginia Holman
The Return of the King: The Lord of the Rings Book 3 by J. R. R. Tolkien
R Is for Ricochet by Sue Grafton
Rita Hayworth by Stephen King
Robert’s Rules of Order by Henry Robert
Roman Fever by Edith Wharton
Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare
A Room of One’s Own by Virginia Woolf
A Room with a View by E. M. Forster
Rosemary’s Baby by Ira Levin
Sacred Time by Ursula Hegi
Sanctuary by William Faulkner
Savage Beauty: The Life of Edna St. Vincent Millay by Nancy Milford
The Scarecrow of Oz by Frank L. Baum
The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne
Seabiscuit: An American Legend by Laura Hillenbrand
The Second Sex by Simone de Beauvoir
The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd
Secrets of the Flesh: A Life of Colette by Judith Thurman
Selected Letters of Dawn Powell: 1913-1965 by Dawn Powell
Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen 
A Separate Peace by John Knowles
Several Biographies of Winston Churchill
Sexus by Henry Miller
The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon
Shane by Jack Shaefer
The Shining by Stephen King
Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse
S Is for Silence by Sue Grafton
Slaughter-house Five by Kurt Vonnegut
Small Island by Andrea Levy
Snows of Kilimanjaro by Ernest Hemingway
Snow White and Rose Red by Grimm Brothers
Social Origins of Dictatorship and Democracy: Lord and Peasant in the Making of the Modern World by Barrington Moore
The Song of Names by Norman Lebrecht
Song of the Simple Truth: The Complete Poems of Julia de Burgos by Julia de Burgos
The Song Reader by Lisa Tucker
Songbook by Nick Hornby
The Sonnets by William Shakespeare
Sonnets from the Portuegese by Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Sophie’s Choice by William Styron
The Sound and the Fury by William Faulkner
Speak, Memory by Vladimir Nabokov
Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach
The Story of My Life by Helen Keller
A Streetcar Named Desiree by Tennessee Williams
Stuart Little by E. B. White
Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway
Swann’s Way by Marcel Proust
Swimming with Giants: My Encounters with Whales, Dolphins and Seals by Anne Collett
Sybil by Flora Rheta Schreiber
A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens
Tender Is The Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald
Term of Endearment by Larry McMurtry
Time and Again by Jack Finney
The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger 
To Have and Have Not by Ernest Hemingway
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee 
The Tragedy of Richard III by William Shakespeare
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith
The Trial by Franz Kafka
The True and Outstanding Adventures of the Hunt Sisters by Elisabeth Robinson
Truth & Beauty: A Friendship by Ann Patchett
Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom
Ulysses by James Joyce
The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath 1950-1962 by Sylvia Plath
Uncle Tom’s Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe 
Unless by Carol Shields
Valley of the Dolls by Jacqueline Susann
The Vanishing Newspaper by Philip Meyers
Vanity Fair by William Makepeace Thackeray
Velvet Underground’s The Velvet Underground and Nico (Thirty Three and a Third series) by Joe Harvard
The Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides
Waiting for Godot by Samuel Beckett
Walden by Henry David Thoreau
Walt Disney’s Bambi by Felix Salten
War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy
We Owe You Nothing – Punk Planet: The Collected Interviews edited by Daniel Sinker
What Colour is Your Parachute? 2005 by Richard Nelson Bolles
What Happened to Baby Jane by Henry Farrell
When the Emperor Was Divine by Julie Otsuka
Who Moved My Cheese? Spencer Johnson
Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf by Edward Albee
Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory Maguire
The Wizard of Oz by Frank L. Baum
Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë
The Yearling by Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion
A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole

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Stresssssssssssssssed Out!

Ranting on how much I hate my life! I’m super duperly stressed out right now. Mostly just because I have a speech due by 11 on Friday and I have no idea when or how I’m going to get it recorded and uploaded. If I had more time to rant, I would but I don’t! Because I have no time!!! FUCK!

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MRI Results, Life, and 101 Update.

So last week I had an MRI on my poor foot to see what was going on inside there. My orthopedist says that everything looks fine, I just have some minor joint swelling on my first and third metatarsals. He also gave me a diagnosis of metatarsalgia, which is just a fancy word for overuse of those muscles. I’m getting new orthotics (fancy braces) and I should be good to go after that. He also gave me the go ahead to start working back into a real shoe. (I’ve tried a little but so far, its only made things worse. I’ll wear my tennis shoes for like 20 minutes max and when I’m done, my poor foot is the size of a cantaloupe and SCREAMING.) But, hey, its not broken anymore and I’m NOT back on crutches, so thats good.

101 in 1001 update: I completed number 23- go to a concert. It was my first concert EVER. I went to see Yellowcard here on campus, and it was AWESOME. Definitely worth the $5 for the ticket!!! Lol but really, it was great. So glad I went, and now I can officially say I’ve been to a concert! Also, I keep looking at my list and some of my items are kinda poopy now that I’m looking back at them so I’m going to go back and revise some of the stuff. But I’m still working at it!

Life… Well, nothing much has been going on. I feel real crappy right now.😦 But other than that…. Its just  lot of school. Thats all I ever do with my life. Uh…. Yeah… So I guess this part of the entry was unnecessary. But then again, no one reads this so I can post whatever I want.

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The moment before the moment of truth

So today is Thursday… Which means my MRI is tomorrow morning. I’ll (hopefully) find out finally whats going on in my foot. Blahhh! But, I get to see my brother too! And thats a happy thing!

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Uh.. 5 months later…

So. Obviously I’ve totally failed at this whole thing. Again. Not that it matters, because no one reads this anyway. But anyway. Lemme just say it is EXTREMELY difficult to type with wet nails. #girlprobz lol. So. Quick catch up. I was at camp all summer. Spent most of it in the ER, between asthma attacks, unknown fungal infections, ringworm, an appendicitis scare, and a fractured foot, yeah I was very busy! So, lets start with the last thing- my stupid foot.

I’d made it through staff training. We were all home for the night, and some of the staff was meeting for our annual Buca dinner at the end of training. I had been hanging out with Ian, so that I could see him before I had to go back to camp. I was driving him home when we started fighting. We fought, and then he decided he was finished talking and went to get out of the car. He made it halfway up his driveway before I got out to chase after him. I didn’t know how to fix it but I just knew that it wasn’t going to be over. Not yet. I wasn’t ready to let go of him. I got out of the car and ran after him, sobbing of course. It was sometime then that the fractures (yes, plural) occurred. But I didn’t know anything until the next day when I woke up and couldn’t walk… Yeah. Fun stuff. Went to camp, walked on it a week, and then found out that it was fractured in 2 places. Joy. Its 3 months later and I’m still in a boot, and I have an MRI scheduled for this Friday to try and see whats going on in there. BUT, Ian totally made up for this suckfest because yeah, I fractured my foot that day. But we also started dating that day too😀❤ And for all my friends who still say things about if he hurts me or as long as I’m happy and everything, Yes. I am happy! I honestly couldn’t be happier. Really. Yeah we have our ups and downs but we can work through our downs and thats whats important And my family loves him and everything.

Camp had its ups and downs too. I don’t really want to go into all of that, mostly because no one actually reads this and I guess its just for me. And I don’t want to re-live all that again. I’m back at school. Poo school. I’m soooooooooo ready to be done, but I kinda have 2 1/2 more years to go… Blah! Anyway… Yeah. Super short but again, no one actually reads this or anything. So yeah.

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Well Crap.

So… Last night the best friend and I had the biggest fight we’ve ever had, and I’m scared that we can’t fix it. And I think he feels the same way. Basically, he loves me but theres another girl that he can’t even begin to describe his feelings for. I’ve known about her our entire friendship, but its never been a problem before last night. I said that I felt like he put a wall between us, and that she’ll always be better than me, and he basically agreed. He basically said that I’m nothing to him and that he doesn’t love me and that our entire friendship has been nothing. I was at my friend Ariana’s. And I was trashed. Literally I was so drunk, I have no idea how my hangover today isn’t worse. I just have a headache. So I was trying to deal with this, while being drunk, which ultimately resulted in me crying into a grilled cheese sandwich while laying on Ariana’s bedroom floor. Yeah I’m classy.

I’d been thinking about Brenden a lot lately (and for those of you who are reading this, you should know that story). I ran into his mom, and was being nice to her because I always am. Our conversation ended with pleasantries and me outwardly telling her that Brenden should get in touch with me again sometime. Part of me couldn’t believe that i had just consented to that. At one point Saturday night, I got scared that maybe things with Brenden were falling back into place/ getting fixed because Ian hurt me so bad. That I had to get hurt that badly by another guy to be able to forgive, or move on from/with, or whatever with the one before. And I do NOT want to be that girl.

At this point, I don’t know how things are going to pan out with my bestie. I love him, and I’m not leaving. But…. He wants me to come over today, but I don’t know if I can. I don’t think this is something I should handle while hungover, but I also don’t know if this I something that we should try to fix TODAY. Maybe we need some time to cool off… I don’t know. Things are just so complicated.

Oh hey! That was Sunday. Today’s Tuesday. Sorry I SUCK at this whole posting shit thing…. Anyway. Guess what I’m right now? Talking to Brenden. Yeah, I know. Never thought I’d do that again. But, its actually going well. I’m tired of being mad. I wasn’t sure what I wanted from him, or whatever. But, I at least wanted to get to a point where I didn’t hate him anymore. We’ve been talking for a couple hours and things are going well. We have plans to hang out, and I’m kind of optimistic about this. I think that our friendship could be salvageable and I hope it is. I’m kind of excited for something to change for the better for once. Yay! Lets see how this goes.

P.S. Funny Story. We got a piece of mail today from Friendship Village in Dublin for Grandma. I was like “Lol you’re a little to late for that”. My mother, however, actually tore off the response card, wrote “I died 2 months ago. Please leave my family alone.” and sent it in! As much as my mother and I have issues and all that fun stuff, I admit, she’s got balls and damn, I appreciate that sometimes. Watch out for Mary. She’ll fucking kill you. Lol. I’ve been working on an end of the school year, wrap-up post, but clearly I’m lazy/ fictitiously busy lol. But yeah.. Maybe I’ll get that posted before sophomore year starts!!!

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Carry On

So….. I’m lacking in posts here. I know. But, I’ve had a lot going on in my life. I moved home from college for the summer. I’ve been home a week and a half. I love being home, love the break from school, and love being only 10 minutes away from my best friend (though I feel like I miss him more when I’m home but not with him than when I’m in Kentucky! Does that make sense?!). But, being home and constantly around my family is not enjoyable. It only took 4 days for me and mom to have our first fight (surprising, since I ran out of meds the day after I loved home and my doctor didn’t call in another refill). And in the week since then, I feel like all we’ve done is fight. Our latest fight was today, they were all criticizing and making fun of me because I did my best to cook stuff today, and some of it went a little of course. I’ve never cooked a steak before, and I think for my first attempt it came out fine. Yeah, its not how we usually have it but it was my first try ever! Nope, I still have yet to hear the end of how I fucked it up. You know what family? I tore a muscle in my arm. I’m in a sling. But I am still cooking you dinner because I know that Mom and Dad both had long days at work and Mom can’t do anything because of her foot. So don’t fucking criticize me because the streak is a little more done than normal, or dinner was later than usual, or the dishwasher wasn’t unstuffed. Seriously, I’m doing my best and it kills that you can’t/don’t/refuse to see that, whatever your reason is. And the cookies. Oh dear GOD the cookies. I made cookies this afternoon, because I felt like baking something and I knew that having some cookies around would be nice so I would stop being tempted to eat mom’s chocolate. Nope. “These aren’t cooked enough” “Ew these are burnt” “These taste burnt but they’re not cooked in the middle” WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!? They’re not even your cookies!!!!!!!! I didn’t make them for you! You don’t like them, then don’t eat them! Its not rocket science!! I feel like it doesn’t matter what I do, I’m going to get criticized. I’m getting discouraged from anything. Seriously, its all I can do to keep myself from just leaving. Staying with a friend, not dealing with them for awhile. Yeah, that’d be great.

 

On a happy note…. Guess who will be living in the hills for 6 weeks this summer?! This girl🙂 Yupp- I got the job at camp!!!!! 13 years of hard work, wishing, and wanting, and its finally happening. I first saw a post on Facebook from a friend of mine from camp about her getting a job, and I hadn’t been contacted. I fought to hold back tears at that moment, but I managed to stay level headed enough to think to check my email before legitimately freaking out. And its a good thing I did, because there was an email from the director with all my papers for employment!!! I screamed, Polly screamed, everyone in my house was kinda freaking out lol.  I finally to do the one thing that no matter what has always been a goal, something stable and consistent in my life. And most of my loves from camp also got hired so this summer is going to rock😀

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Sorry Not Sorry

I’m never going to be good enough for you, am I? Clearly I’m not. I do what I think is the right thing, you yell at me because its not. I call you to find out what the right thing is, you yell at me for not knowing. Or you yell at me because apparently its my fault. I’m never going to be good enough. And you know what, if thats the way that its going to be, then fine. I have my friends, I have people in my life that actually care about me, that I want to be around. And that just kills you doesn’t it? That people care about me, and I have places to go other than spending all my time with you? That if you decide to kick me out again, I actually have people I can call and that will be there for me. Its not your life to run anymore, I am finally old enough to take charge of myself and make my own decisions. Do you honestly believe that I’m going to come running back to you after all the shit you’ve pulled on me? Ha! You’re delusional. Whatever, Mom. Sorry I’m not you. Sorry I’m messed up. Sorry I can’t control the fact that I’m Autistic. Sorry things don’t always go your way. Oh wait… Not sorry. I’m not sorry about any of that. I’m done. I’m done with you and all your shit. Seriously.

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Mind Games. You’re Really Good At Them.

You have spent all this time trying to convince me that I mean something to you and that you’ll always be there for me… And sometimes thats true. But at the same time, you have also continued to reinforce the reality that everything else comes before me. So don’t get mad at me when I tell you 67 times that no, I am not crying, you’re just imagining things, because it wouldn’t matter if I admitted that I was upset anyway. You would continue to do the other things you’re doing because they matter more. I’m tired of sitting there for hours on end while you watch youtube videos or do whatever else it is that you do. If you want to talk to me, then lets talk. But calling me to just make me sit there is not ok. And telling me that I have to pass a test to surpass other things on your list of importance is sooooooooooo not ok. So don’t get mad at me when I don’t talk to you about things. This is why. It doesn’t matter when I do, because you just prove my hope that you care wrong.

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Welp… It only took 3 weeks.

So…. Last night, everything I’ve been holding in for the past 3 weeks just exploded. I have no idea why, but it just did. You know that horrible uncontrollable sobbing  where your face is red/purple, and snot and tears are running down your face, and you can’t breathe but you still somehow manage to be able to make those awkward hiccuping//gasping kinda shrieks? Yeah. Middle of the night, 1 am emotional breakdown. Alone. And now all day today I have been withdrawn from everyone, apathetic, and now I have that sinking guilty feeling that you get (though I have no idea why). I hate these feelings, I hate… I don’t know. I just.. I don’t know. I guess I’m glad it happened, because now it has. But at the same time… I’m not glad it happened. Because now I know I’m going to be more susceptible to these breakdowns now because the wall I built broke.

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