MuddyMaggs

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Hey. Look at me now.

I move home in exactly 4 weeks. I am one month away from finishing my freshman year of college. I want to take this opportunity to send a special shout out to a group of people. HEY HATERS, FUCK YOU! Haha I think back to my junior and senior years of high school, to all the preparation for college, and of graduation and all the parties and such. There were so many people that thought that I would just go to C-State, live at home, and never amount to anything in my life. There were people that thought MAYBE I would go to an OSU branch campus or another school like that. But no one ever imagined that I would actually go to a ‘real’ college or university, or that that school would be *gasp* out of state?! Some of the reactions I received when I revealed my acceptance to EKU, and then my decision to go there were priceless. Priceless, but painful. I knew that I didn’t do that great in school or anything, and I wasn’t a partier or anything like that, but I am a person just like everyone else, as difficult as that may be to understand. I was not going to limit my life just because that is what everyone else decided I would do. I make my own decisions, I control my own life. Yes, one of my 101 list goals is to let someone make all my decisions for me for a day, but lets break that down. FOR A DAY. Only one day. And the person I choose to be my decision maker will be a trusted individual, not some random guy off the street. Just for one day, not my entire life. My major life decisions will be made by ME. Sure, I will most likely discuss decisions with others and I will keep their opinions in mind as I come to a conclusion, but I ultimately choose the steps I take. And some decisions I make completely on my own, regardless of what others think. I only applied to one school, and I did that all on my own. I don’t know that my parents even knew that I did that. My counselor at school wanted me to apply to at least 4, but I didn’t. By that time, I knew that I would either go to Eastern, or I would stay at home and go to C-State. This brings up another point. Not only did I have so many believing I would go the path of CSCC and living at home, but those who did know that I applied to Eastern, many of them did not believe in me, they didn’t have the confidence that I would get in. Yes, I did sometimes get scared that I wouldn’t get in, but I had done everything right. I sent in my application in August. The minimum ACT score for admission is 18, I had a 28. I met the requirements, I was solid. I wondered about  what it would be like if I didn’t get in. But I prayed that I would every single day. I remember the day I got my acceptance letter. It was a Friday night in January. i went to get the mail, and I saw the envelope from Eastern Kentucky. I dropped the bag in my hand, ripped open the envelope, read the “Congratulations! We are pleased to inform you that you, Margaret Lois Flynn, have been admitted to Eastern Kentucky University for the Fall 2011 term.” and started bawling. I ran to the back door and threw the letter at my mom, then ran upstairs to my sister. My mom started to cry, my sister screamed and Gabby (whom my Katy was on the phone with) screamed as well. I had done it. I got in. Take that, all you out there who thought I couldn’t do it, or that I wouldn’t do it. I am better than you thought me to be, even if its just because you were the ones who created your image of me without actually knowing me. And now here I am, sitting in my Religion class, one month from moving home and being finished with freshman year of college. Sure, it has been difficult. But I look at my friends that did stay home and I look at their lives and I listen to them talk about how things are, and I see that that is not what I want for my life. I wanted more, and I took it. And dammit, look at me now.

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I miss my puppies 😦 Especially my boy. And of course, any chance to see/look at William makes me happy!!! He’s just so darn cute in the 1st picture. 

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Little Man <3

But here are some Baby Colin pictures to make everything better!!! I miss my little guy!

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Just one more month.

I move home in a month. And with the end of the year comes all the STRESS!!! Oh my goodness I am so stressed! I have so many projects and papers and assignments that I have to get done. And then finals. And all of this adds on the stress of keeping my grades up. Because so help me God I WILL be on Deans List this semester. But this has just been such a stressful semester! Grandma being so sick. And then Her passing. And my never ending feelings of needing to be home. Because home is home, and I miss my best friend more than anything in the world. And being diagnosed Bi-Polar, and knowing that I got help for myself because I want to get better, to be better, yet still feeling the need to cut, or still having the thoughts that maybe it would be better if I just wasn’t here. That has stressed me out too. I have reached the point where my ability to handle normal situations has gone away. I am being such a bitch to EVERYONE, and I know that I am, but I just can’t help it. I snap before I have a chance to stop myself. And when I don’t snap, the things that are bothering me build up until I do, and then its worse. I feel so bad, because I can handle being around people and such on my own terms, but as soon as I don’t have control over it (i.e. my roommate, or having to go to someone else’s room to hang out), i just can’t. And no matter who it is, all of my friends had things that for whatever unknown reason are driving me insane. And I feel like all I do is annoy my poor roommate. And I feel terrible. It is so difficult to find a way to find and handle a balance between school, family, and social stresses. And then there are things that don’t make any sense as to why they’d stress me out, but they do. Like my flex dollars. I still have about $250 in flex that I HAVE to spend by the time I move out or I lose it, but there is no way that I can do that! I’d have to buy 12 of everything in the P.O.D.  And its been driving my crazy for a couple weeks. And then scheduling for next year has me ripping my hair out (not literally though). And I feel like I never sleep. And I have zero motivation to do anything other than just sit on my computer and derp around the internet.

I feel horrible because I’ve started to take all this out on my best friend, and he doesn’t deserve that at ALL. Last night I screamed “Fuck You” in his face because he was trying to get me to listen to him and I was angry because I felt like he didn’t care about me or being there for me, that he just cared about being right and proving that. And I feel bad because I was snapping at him for just about everything and thats not ok. But he has stuck with me thus far and I can honestly believe him now when he says that he’s not going anywhere. But I will admit, there are nights like last when I get scared that I am going to say or do something that is just going to set him over the edge and he’s going to hightail it out of my life. And I felt even worse this morning because last night he told me he loved me 7 times AND he sent me something else that said so much in such a little gesture, and I didn’t even see it until I woke up this morning. Because I’m a bitch.

And then theres general life drama. Like jobs. I move home May 3rd. IF (giant IF) I get a job at camp, that doesn’t start until the end of June. I need income during the 2 months that I would otherwise have nothing to do. I’ve applied for jobs, but so many places don’t want you if you’re just going to leave after a month and a half. Like really. And if I don’t get a job at camp (which I am sadly starting to believe is going to be the case) then I WILL be able to work the entire summer, but I won’t know about camp until May. Interviews won’t be until mid-April at the earliest. And my mom keeps getting on me about it, even thought I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be. She stresses me out.

I’m just stressed. And scared. And tired. And I’m so done with school. And I know I’m a whiny 12 year old but I miss my best friend and I just want to be there with him right now! Everything bod goes away when I’m with him.

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I’m a cheesehead.

 

Hmmmm … Hmmmm … Hmmmm … Hmmm …

When I look into your eyes
It’s like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There’s so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you’ve come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

And when you’re needing your space
To do some navigating
I’ll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

‘Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We’ve got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth it
No, I won’t give up

I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you’re still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn’t break, we didn’t burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I’ve got, and what I’m not
And who I am

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up
Still looking up.

I won’t give up on us (no I’m not giving up)
God knows I’m tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We’ve got a lot to learn (we’re alive, we are loved)
God knows we’re worth it (and we’re worth it)

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

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Wow.

So, clearly I’ve been slacking like woah lately. I have legitimate reasons! March was such a busy month for me. Usually I at least have time to post a quote of the day, but I didn’t even have that. So, here it is. March 19th, 2012. 11:15 am. Elizabeth Phyllis Flynn. My grandmother. Passed away. Though we’d been expecting it since the beginning of February, it was still such a shock. But she passed quietly in my home, surrounded by family and my dogs.

 

I thought I’d have more to say. But i guess I don’t right now.

 

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/dispatch/obituary.aspx?n=elizabeth-phyllis-flynn&pid=156587303&fhid=6004

 

 

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Love does exist

“What ever it is
Where ever it is
When ever it is
Why ever it is
How ever it is
and who ever it is
love is out there and of that I am sure.”

 

 

My best friend said this to me tonight. Even though I did not say this to him, and even thought I am still on Skype with him right now, I am posting this to say just how much this means to me, how much he means to me. Because he means more to me than anyone else in the world, and I would do anything for him. I love him. And I hope that he never forgets that. Ever. I love you, Ian.

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